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Star Wars Episode VII: Awareness for the Force of Disney Awakens

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DISCLAIMER: I want to preface this review by saying I love the cinema. I love great filmmaking and great writing, I’m passionate about both. I also want you to know that while I don’t usually write movie reviews, I felt compelled to give my two cents on the film after having watched it. I humbly ask you keep an open mind as we all do going into any movie. If you read my review from top to bottom you’ll find I always do my very best to justify what I have to say and attempt to support my thoughts with sound reasoning.

If you think Greedo shot first, please feel free to stop reading here 😉

If you’re too busy to read a detailed review at the moment, check out my music video review below:

Please know this is just my opinion. A certain point of view, if you will. I respect your right to disagree with me.


For the first half hour of the film, I was definitely entertained! It was engaging enough where I was in it, I was totally on board. My first uh-oh moment came when Poe got saucy with Kylo and started openly mocking his appearance. You know what I’m talking about. The whole “Who talks first? Do I talk first? Do you talk first? It’s just hard to tell with all-”

It was at this moment that a voice in my head muttered-

Mark, I’m happy to see you have dialogue in my review, thank you for making a couple cameos.

Imagine what Vader would do to any rebel scum mouthing off like that, and keep in mind that not only is Kylo Ren’s character heavily modeled after Vader, he’s literally his grandson in the story too. The man worships Darth Vader, and Papa would definitely be using that rebel’s skull as an ashtray for giving him lip like that in front of his men, it is what he was most famous for! Poe would be a dead man, or at the very least a tortured alive-man with one or two less limbs. Not even a tiny force choke to put the insolent rebel back in line? For Granpop(the dude you yearn to be like and imitate constantly)? Where are the stakes? We need to actually believe our characters are in legitimate danger, that there are real and severe consequences for actions taken. Otherwise why watch? Oscar definitely sold the moment though because he’s a great actor and did a great job with what he was given, and I commend him.

I felt like throughout the whole experience, the movie was trying hard to be humorous and witty. The actors will be funny no matter what, they’re a ridiculously talented cast, stop wasting precious plot time cracking jokes every five minutes through the script with one-liners and just focus on creating a character driven, grounded story. Your overconfidence is most definitely your weakness, Force Awakens. Just be Star Wars.

Real quick and then I’ll get to the characters, check this out:

An evil empire is searching for a droid with critical information to a resistance group, and said droid is hidden on a remote desert planet where it is captured by an indigenous scavenger, before being rescued by our protagonist. Our force sensitive hero, gifted with Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber, and the droid then get swept up into an epic war between the rebellion and the evil order before Han Solo and Chewbacca help them escape on The Millennium Falcon(they also chill at a funky intergalactic bar and fend off a tentacle monster along the way). The bad guys, led by a dude dressed in black, wearing a mask with a voice modulator and equipped with a red lightsaber, reveal they have a technological terror. A sphere machine that can blow up planets(a father/mentor figure to the group will be cut down by the antagonist dressed in black on this super weapon to inspire our protagonist onward), which it then does. Thankfully our hero and the resistance launch an attack on the planet-killer using X-wings and successfully blow it up right before it can destroy the rebel base located on a forest covered moon. Which Star Wars movie does this describe? If you said A New Hope, congratulations, your insight serves you well. If you said The Force Awakens, congratulations too, you are equally correct.


 Han Solo: Make that money Harrison! You’ve earned it. He did a wonderful job acting and delivering entertainment, top notch as always. Despite Harrison’s prowess as an actor though, something felt off about Solo. This Han has aged thirty years, but has inexplicably regressed thirty years emotionally/character wise to “A New Hope” status Han. Somehow, despite being under the tutelage of not only Leia, Han, and Luke, Solo’s son goes dark side anyway and how does Han handle this? He abandons his wife and his best friend and his boy and decides “Screw it, let’s smuggle some CGI aliens around and just do that for a while.” To me that feels like the culmination of Han’s character’s growth from the first three films was tossed straight out the window because whoever decided these things decided Han from A New Hope was the most popular flavor, so that was the one that was going to appear in the film. If his selfish, bizarre about-face in character wasn’t enough, Solo also becomes obsessed with Chewie’s bowcaster. This bit is forced on us not once, not twice, but on three separate occasions. Cool, we get it, Han likes Chewie’s bowcaster. You know, the one he’s been perfectly aware of for over thirty plus years. Did that have anything to do with the actor playing Han? No.

Han(and Chewie) are in the movie to do one-off “remember when?” jokes constantly. The fans that demand Star Wars characters and their respective arcs be given the respect they are due are instantly insulted by this egregious use of core characters in such cheap, pandering ways. Respect the lore and characters of the world you’re filming, please save the campy, goofy bits for Disney TV. Some laughs are ok, don’t get me wrong. Humor is important and a few fun laughs add great levity to a high stakes movie. But the script abused this concept far too often at the expense of the characters, and I’d humbly argue that hurt the stakes of the film as well as the plot’s structure.

I think my favorite part of Han in this movie is when he aims behind him not even remotely looking where he is firing and nails a stormtrooper dead on with a blaster shot.

He can just close his eyes and blast away baddies at will? I thought Luke was the jedi? It made my inner child/fan cry out in pain, it was clearly a “Han is a badass” moment aimed at fanboys(only the one’s that don’t think). Han Solo was cheapened, in my opinion, because of this. He died a little bit in that very moment before literally dying minutes later.

The original cast was lazily dumped onto this film simply to appease Star Wars fans of old. They weren’t written in seamlessly, they were slapped onto the movie with the grace and subtlety of a four-year-old glueing hard macaroni onto craft paper. And the handling of Han’s death scene was a freakin’ travesty. Han felt like a Saturday Night Live skit version of himself. No funeral for General Solo? Or even acknowledgment of his death? Or the billions of deaths from that quickly brushed over Starkiller-Base galactic genocide for that matter? Really??

“There’s got to be a way to blow it up, there’s always a way to blow these things up.” -Han-

I can’t believe that line was in a Star Wars movie. I’ve never seen a Star Wars film make meta Star Wars references before, it was surreal to watch. The Force Awakens just doesn’t take itself seriously and this line is proof. Harrison Ford genuinely made me laugh because he’s an awesome actor. Han made me cry. Except when he died.

 Leia: First and foremost, RIP Carrie. You were a crucial part of the creation that is Star Wars and your star will shine bright in the Star Wars heavens for all time. Now onto the character. They should have renamed General Leia to “Exposition Organa” because she was in the film solely to vomit exposition onto the audience. To those bashing Carrie Fisher for aging? That’s not even a remotely legitimate critique to make in the first place. Second, you try acting that exposition dialogue of which she was given four lines of at max and see how great you come across.

Leia hugging Rey and not Chewie after the death of Han(hugging a stranger for two seconds doesn’t count as recognition of Han’s death), quite possibly the rebels most prolific hero, was insanity to me. Holy Horrific Character Representation Batman! Han just died and instead of hugging Chewie(Leia and Han’s long time friend and fellow war veteran of decades), she hugs someone she doesn’t even know!

The old characters were a mess, and it was never more obvious than during that incredibly cringe worthy scene between Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. That…whatever that was, was not Star Wars. That “scene” didn’t have Han or Leia in it as far as I’m concerned. I’ve never see two actors spit more exposition and work harder for their paychecks than that. *shudders*

Lastly, whatever happened to Leia having force powers? Remember when Yoda said-

A huge storyline in Star wars is that there is a second force sensitive Skywalker(this is still canon information even in The Force Awakens!). Luke goes on to tell Leia in ROTJ that she’s only beginning to understand the powers she possesses. And then $tar Wars dropped that like a hot potato, simply because.

I think somewhere along the way JJ forgot he was making the sequel to ROTJ and thought he was supposed to create a remake flick of the original Star Wars film. And what I mean by that is, starting from day one, JJ was instructed to remake A New Hope and was forced to jam tons of iconic moments from A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back plot points into this reboot masquerading as a sequel. Because that’s what was assumed would make the most money. And it did.



It sure is.

So to be clear Leia gets dumped by Han and decides not to pursue practicing and exploring her force powers(the coolest gift ever!) for thirty straight years and instead opts to be a “cat-lady-leader” of the rebel- sorry, the resistance even though she only has five minutes of screen time and about as many lines? And we’re supposed think this imposter of a woman is the independent, strong willed Princess Leia Organa??

Chewie: Chewie now kind of looks like Chewie again. This wookie is more familiar than the one in the prequels and usually behaves like the Chewbacca of old. Sadly, like Han, the movie’s sole use for Chewie is to wink at us to remind us that this is Star Wars, and Han and Chewie appeared in previous Star Wars films. The amount of abusive, flat, not funny one-liners/moments that Han and Chewie and Finn are all forced to force on us make me cringe just thinking about them.

“Dialogue is really a function of character. If you know your character, your dialogue may very well flow easily with the unfolding of your story. Dialogue and scenes serve two main purposes: Either it moves the story forward, or they reveal information about the main character” – Screenplay: The foundations of screenwriting by Syd Field-

That author and screenwriter has the respect of people in the ‘biz like James Cameron, Alan Ball, and Robert Towne, just to name a mere few. This movie repeatedly and unabashedly ignored these two foundational principles of writing, it’s the equivalent of shooting one’s movie in the leg with a rifle and then asking it to run a two hour marathon.

Hokey one-liners and ancient Star Wars plot points are no match for fresh ideas and a well written script at your side, kid.

One moment with Chewie that stood out to me looking back was when he is being tended to medically, and the nurse praises him for being “soooo brave”. Just let Chewie be a wookie, he’s a piss poor stand up comedian. Another is when Chewie grabs Finn by the throat(suddenly he’s the serious and violent wookie of old{like when Luke tried to put handcuffs on him}??) but then stops just in time to revert back to “silly nursery Chewie” so Finn can spout yet another painful, not funny one-liner. At times he felt more like Star Wars A Christmas Special Chewie than normal Star Wars Chewie, except the Christmas version was funny because he was so accidentally and horrifically bad(and it wasn’t a main entry in the saga). The Profits Awaken’s Chewie moments were all intentional, making them unfathomable. He also seemed like he could give a hoot when Han died, I’d much rather have seen him go out in an explosive, kamikaze, woookie rage than see him nonchalantly growl his displeasure before quickly forgetting Han existed and randomly becoming Rey’s new and massive teacup poodle(and why the heck does Rey inherit The Falcon instead of Leia or Chewie???).

 Luke Skywalker:  Mark, you and Billy(where was he by the way?) and Harrison were all incredible role models to me growing up. You were my heroes, and you all still are. Mark, I saved the review of your character(of the originals! 🙂 respect your elders) last because Luke was my hero more than any other growing up, and I had to save the best for last. Thank you for making my childhood special and helping me grow into the man I am today. I owe all of you guys, big time.  *salutes*

Luke’s a myth now? What??? It’s been thirty years, not three hundred! Trust me, it would be common knowledge that he existed in this universe. “What?? Vietnam happened?! I thought that was like, a total myth or something! Cuz it was like…forty years ago bro! Martin Luther King, Jr. was real?! Whoa bro….”

Give me a break. What Luke did by the end of ROTJ, along with the accomplishments of the rebellion, would be remembered throughout the galaxy for centuries to come. We’re supposed to believe the multiple planets filled with millions of life forms celebrating Commander Skywalker, General Solo, and Princess Leia’s overthrowing of the empire that were shown at the end of Return of the Jedi(the film right before this one) all forgot who Luke was over the course of thirty years? The guy that blew up two deathstars and was the poster boy for the old republic and was a hero against the empire that changed the history of the galaxy forever, millions and millions of fans across many, many planets totally forgot who that was because thirty years passed? That seems incredibly unlikely. Commander Skywalker was and is legendary, he’s not a myth…

Lucas lobbed you a nice easy fastball right over the plate Force Awakens, and you couldn’t even make contact. I love Mark Hamill and what he did for Star Wars, I think he’s a great actor. I wish I could praise his acting in this movie, but he wasn’t given any dialogue or screen time so I guess I’ll have to wait until the next movie. But I’m sure his acting will be kick-ass if Disney actually lets him be in the next $tar Wars movie for realsies. The way The Force Awakens treated Luke Skywalker leaves me almost speechless, which sadly is more than can be said for Mr. Hamill.

Rey: I thought the actor playing the role of Luke $kywalk- er, Rey, did a wonderful job doing what was asked of her, my hat is off to Daisy as an artist and a performer. Ms. Ridley’s acting was powerful despite the script giving her zero character development or adversity to grow and learn from. She made mountains of performance out of molehills of script/dialogue and I give Daisy Ridley all the credit in the world.

Rey on recounting how she escaped Starkiller-Base to Han: “I don’t know how and you wouldn’t believe me if i told you!”(literally says this after magically learning jedi mind tricks). Yea, neither did the audience. Rey also magically speaks beepity-doop(droid) and can speak wookie too??? That’s amazing for someone who has been living meal to meal and digging in sand her whole life.

And before one retorts with “Just wait and see in the second film, you’ll see how wrong you are!”?

No. If I sit through an entire film and nothing was explained(this is what happened by the way) the movie failed from a storytelling/script perspective and the excuse of “It will all be made clear later!” is, in reality, simply terrible writing and despicable marketing. When I find out later on in the second film that Rey was force trained a long time ago with Luke along with some force-sensitive wookies at the academy and she lost her memory and got stranded on “tatooine 2.0” down the road(or something even remotely similar to this nonsense{and heaven help us if that ends up being the case})? Then it’s already too late, that doesn’t magically justify this poorly conceived script. This movie cannot stand on its own at all as a singular film experience, it’s a total mess. And even to the people who do accept this ridiculous “I have to pay for two or three movie tickets before I actually learn what’s going on in this world” mentality? This movie is a sloppily copied and cobbled together rehashing of the first Star Wars movie. It’s plagiarism, plain as day for all to see. In school you get expelled for doing that type of thing. Apparently in the movie making business you get applause for doing it.

“It wa$ obviou$ly a wildly intentional thing that we go backward$, in $ome way$, to go forward$ in the important way$, given that thi$ i$ a genre – that $tar War$ i$ a kind of $pecific gorgeou$ concoction of George [Luca$]’ – that combine$ all $orts of thing$.” 

“I can understand that $omeone might say, ‘Oh, it’$ a complete rip-off! What wa$ important for me wa$ introducing brand new character$ using relationship$ that were embracing the hi$tory that we know to tell a story that i$ new – to go backward$ to go forward$.” 

“I understand that thi$ movie, I would argue much more than the one$ that follow, needed to take a couple of $teps backward$ into very familiar terrain, and using a $tructure of nobodie$ becoming somebodie$ defeating the baddie$. – JJ Abrams- 

With all due respect the mere fact that the writer/director had to concede to the media in his own words that “I can understand how someone might say: Oh, it’s a complete rip-off!” while defending the glaring similarities between the original Star Wars film and his new one shows just how little creativity and effort went into making a new, daring, and original Star Wars movie. If not for some of the new characters you’d swear this was an actual reboot of A New Hope, kind of like Ghostbusters 2016. Is it a remake? A sequel?? What is it??? The notion that one had to copy the plot, character types, and sets of that first Star Wars film in order to establish new characters and tell his story is ludicrous and unforgivably unimaginative, in my humble opinion. Star Wars soared because of its innovative moviemaking and fresh, new trajectories. It was always showing us something wild and creative, something we’d never seen before! For one to say he had to go backwards to go forwards with a movie is in fact not only incredibly unoriginal, but a complete and utter betrayal of what made the original Star Wars movies so great in the first place. To not go in a new, uncharted direction with this film was spitting on the spirit of the old films.

But where was I? Rey being fluent in over six million forms of communication, one of which is undoubtedly bocce, that’s right. Nobody in the Star Wars universe before this has interpreted specific dialogue from droids through their beeping and booping sounds.  The idea that someone can interpret beeps and boops is utterly ridiculous, even when suspending one’s disbelief watching a fiction film.

Rey has zero training yet, a) magically knows what a mind trick is, and uses it successfully on her first attempt(don’t worry the script has her add a not funny one-liner about James Bond(Daniel Craig was the stormtrooper in this scene) dropping his blaster too, so you won’t mind how dumb and implausible what just happened was). b) resists a sith’s mind probing(Kylo was trained by Luke freakin’ Skywalker since his birth people.) c) is an expert pilot of The Falcon despite apparently never really having driven any ships before d) magically is awesome with a lightsaber and can defeat the sith knight trained by who again? Luke Skywalker. Rey has zero training. Kylo has twenty to thirty years of training under Luke Skywalker and Snoke since his childhood. What happens? Kylo Ren, the trained sith knight, pretty much gets his butt kicked by an orphaned scavenger and a janitor. Wow.

“But he was injured!!”

The guy can foresee and hold blaster bolts mid air, mind rape people, and petrify opponent’s entire bodies with the force(powers the Emperor could only dream of). Play within the rules and boundaries of the world that was written.

So if you’re buying that explanation you’re desperate for anything Star Wars and deserve the mediocrity we were all served. As long as the movie shows a young woman kicking ass, it won’t matter how, or why, or if it makes the least bit of sense because someone is banking that nobody in our PC headhunting culture would dare question any representation of a female protagonist. Much like Finn keeps holding Rey’s hand, the script keeps holding ours as it tells us how to feel about Rey as a strong woman instead of simply showing us what a powerful individual she is. The movie shows Rey proclaiming “I don’t need you to hold my hand!” to Finn at least twice, maybe even three times. My lord Mickey, how dumb do you think we all are? Rey is magically incredible at everything(mechanic/pilot/fighter) and has zero flaws(this is a perfect recipe for writing boring characters, male or female). This is the “strong, deep, “flawed”, “relatable” female Star Wars protagonist we got. She was written like Superman back in the 40’s, invincible. So sad. Luke’s character was given loads more respect from a writing perspective. I know as a dude, if Luke was written to constantly babble about how competent and independent of a man he was, I’d be thinking “What the @#$%? Can we stop wasting story time pointing out the sex of the character(we have eyes…)and just focus on him growing into a cool human being/jedi knight??”. We deserved better. Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill, Ripley from Aliens, and Furiosa from Mad Max are all great examples of flawed/relatable/awesome female protagonists, for the record. The Force Awakens is not the first nor the last film to have a female lead at the helm of a franchise, characters male or female should be portrayed,  judged, and criticized based off their merits as characters, not off of their sex.

I’ll also remind you that Luke, after two films and four years of in-story development, struggles to force pull lightsabers out of the snow and gets wrecked by Vader at the end of the second film. One needs struggles and failures to have growth, that’s storytelling 101! Rey is an unstoppable swiss army knife where the plot is concerned and there’s no arguing it, and that is a damn shame. Daisy Ridley the actor was amazing. Rey the character was equally amazing, for all the wrong reasons.

Finn: John Boyega comes across as a strong actor in the new Star Wars. The idea of exploring the human behind the helmet of a stormtrooper is awesome, and exploring his previous life in a brutal, military regime was a genius idea! Sadly Finn shakes his PTSD just as fast as he shakes the cobwebs from that Tie Fighter crash landing and immediately transforms into the lovable boy next door upon defecting…

His “character” is like the seat of a ride we buckle into before we take off on some movie-roller coaster, a chair we sit in and go from one CGI action sequence to the next and the next. It’s why Boyega always seems to be huffing, puffing and yelling. He’s just reacting to action the whole time, that’s it. No wonder his “character” seems so forced despite such a rad young actor at the helm of it all. Sadly, all that talent gets buried under a lack of any real dialogue/script.

Finn has inexplicable 180 degree turns in character with zero justification or motivation. We’re supposed to buy that Finn, kidnapped as a young child and then brainwashed and trained for over a decade to be a ruthless, apathetic killing machine, is incredibly charming, funny and full of personality??

Forced moments of excitement by Finn like “Did you see that!? Did you see that?!” or “Thats one hell of a pilot!!!” fall incredibly flat because you could care less about the shiny-but-oh-so-clearly-fake marvel movie CGI the “character” is commenting on(& as an audience member we have no idea what the heck is going on in the story thanks to the script opting for one-liners instead of practical, character driven dialogue). Again, not Boyega’s fault, he’s clearly a funny and engaging actor, he did an amazing job with the little he was given. But just imagine what John would have done if he was provided with a character instead of just a “character”.

BB-8: BB-8 was great, despite the fact that he was one gigantic toy advertisement throughout the movie. He had by far the best dialogue of any character in the film. He also made me smile when he helped Finn out and gave him the blow torch thumbs up seal of approval, I truly enjoyed that. It was funny and I laughed.

I give BB the same thumbs up seal of approval he gave Finn. He’s a worthy new literal and figurative torch bearer for the next generation’s droid, R2 would be proud(if he was awake).

 Captain Phasma: This character was on the poster of the film! Yet… isn’t… in… the movie… We don’t even actually see her get dumped in the garbage chute. And for the record I’ve never seen a Star Wars character “wink to the fourth wall” and reference the fact that they are existing in the Star Wars Universe in any of the other six films. Never, ever. This film’s characters do it endlessly(a complete betrayal of the stakes of the film).

Phasma was another massive pandering exercise in “feminism”. Look, this stormtrooper has boob plate armor, it’s cool!!! And it’s chrome!! And the leader of the stormtroopers is a woman!! Yea!! Women!! “Feminism”!! Star Wars!! This character has two lines in the film but ignore that minor detail!!!!!!!!

She is the ultimate “badass” but instantly sells out the Emp-  er, the “1st” Order when asked to by a couple of resistance scum? Just like that?? Wow, some character. I feel for any woman or man that watched this movie and bought the mouse excrement that was Captain Phasma. Gwendoline, I’m sorry this film didn’t see fit to give you dialogue or let you take your helmet off in this first movie, it’s too bad because you’re a lovely and talented actor.

You could have cast anyone in this role(including any male actor) and it wouldn’t have been noticed or mattered. Think about that ladies and gents…If she wasn’t chrome and caped and didn’t have breast plate armor, you literally would not remember Captain Phasma’s character from any of the hundreds of other stormtroopers from the movie…

 General Hux: A whiny, spoiled, ginger-brat flavored Hitler with over the top nazi references. Watching Bill Weasley(a role Dohmnall was perfectly cast in) from Harry Potter shriek in a prepubescent third-reich-rage on a green screen yelling at a bunch of CGI stormtroopers who clearly weren’t really there, who then all sieg heiled, was hysterical. This is the new Empire? These are the new villains of the “First” Order? Casting young for the sake of casting young badly hurt this character in particular. A much older officer would have been far more credible here. The writing and casting that gave us next to no reason to give even one f$$k, let alone multiple f$$k$, about General Fux.

Maz Kanata: Lupita Nyong’o is extremely talented and does a wonderful job in the movie, I have no issue with the actor or performance given. In my humble opinion the character looked extremely fake, it was obvious she was CGI. The CGI was top of the line! But it still stood out as fake to me and took me out of the movie a little.

 Supreme Leader Snoke: Let me guess, he’s Darth Plagueis back from the dead? And projects himself to be enormous because in reality he’s even smaller than Yoda? I hope for $tar Wars’s sake neither of those things turn out to be true. And why does he look like some weird, scarred Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter? I thought this movie was set in the Star Wars universe, but the film keeps referencing that wonderful world of wizards.

 Kylo Ren: Adam, I want to say something to you right off the bat here. If this had been a good film? The acting performance you gave on Starkiller-Base with Han would have gone down as one of the greatest moments in a Star Wars movie, if not the greatest. In a complete void with no stakes and no atmosphere and incredibly predictable beats, you brought soul to set that day. As an actor, I commend you. Now onto Ren.

Ren starts off incredibly cool. He stops blaster bolts, and while this was new, I was buying it at that point because it was awesome. He read minds too, also cool. Then he takes his mask off and the rest is history. His helmet was only cosmetic, he’s literally cosplaying as Vader.

I’ve never seen a Star Wars “antagonist” soon to be “fellow protagonist” whine about feeling light side-y before. That’s a new low of lameness. I see what they were going for, to be perfectly fair! One shouldn’t have gone for that though. The Emo Kylo Ren Twitter account that actually exists and the SNL skit mocking Kylo being emo that Adam Driver himself performed is proof of this. So no…just, just no. Vader can’t stop slapping his knee laughing at this light side-y concept of yours, I promise you.

Vader to Maul&Emperor @ a bar: “And then he said he was feeling light side!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! And he needed me to help show him the dark side again! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t believe that sissy is my grandson!!!! HAHAHAHA- URK!

*begins hyperventilating from laughing too hard into breathing apparatus*

Why did Kylo scream “Traitor!” at Finn in an emotionally compromised fashion? Why would a “badass” of Ren’s status give a damn about a random stormtrooper’s defection and be emotionally hung up about it? Did Kylo have a thing for Finn? Given how politically correct and pandering this $tar Wars movie constantly is, I ask that question with zero sarcasm. There were multiple laugh out loud moments of Kylo behaving comedically. Like Ren petulantly stomping about the bridge of a ship in his purely aesthetic mask for instance, or him having not one, but two separate lightsaber tantrums and destroying his own equipment in the process(what a horse’s ass). They even showed a couple of stormtroopers being embarrassed for him and walking the other direction. I’m aware they were supposed to appear intimidated. It did not come across that way, this part got loads of laughs in the theatre. Would anyone ever laugh watching Vader force choke an inferior to death(outside of the twisted Salacious Crumb of course.)?

He’s laughing at the moment cuz’ he just read all the critical acclaim The Force Awakens received from professional film critics.

Why was Kylo walking out onto that that rampart on the deaths- sorry, StarKiller-Base in the first place(other than to clearly copy Empire Strikes Back daddy/son moments)? I’ll tell you why. No reason at all other than to have a pretty picture to stage the lifeless script and horribly predictable death scene in. Luckily, this movie doesn’t ever worry about anything making sense.

I concur Lando, wholeheartedly. And thank you for at least showing up in my review, Billy. 🙂

And just how incompetent is the “1st” Order by the way? First BB escapes, then Poe escapes, then Rey escapes, each followed by a more hilarious than the last one lightsaber-temper-tantrum by the moody Emo-Boy-Band-Ren. I’ve never seen a thirty year old man play a fifteen year old boy so convincingly. That alone should get Adam an oscar nod. And I’m not bashing Driver’s acting. He’s a great actor, and does the most with what he was given and what was written. He’s just horrifically miscast in a film with a bad script. Just like I would be a pretty poor cast as Princess Leia(I’m a dude), Adam is a bad cast for an intimidating Vader-type. And before anyone responds with “This was a different approach to a new character!”

Then why was he written, directed, and dressed like Vader?!?!

*head explodes*

Keep the mask on Kylo, please, for everyone’s sake. And when your mask is off? You look nothing like Han or Leia. Again, a huge miscast. He looks like Snape’s son from a Harry Potter movie(I’m almost positive now this movie thinks the characters wield wands, not lightsabers). Also, didn’t Luke already train Ren for quite some time? Shouldn’t he be somewhat competent at fighting and using the force? One minute he can predict and stop incoming blaster fire mid air and mind probe people and freeze their entire body in some sort of Petrificus-totalis(again the Emperor never exhibited this kind of incredible control of the force), and then the next minute he’s literally being physically overpowered by a ninety pound scavenger chick with no training. And forgets he has godly force powers(remember how we talked about playing within the rules of the world written?).

Also on a side note, watching Kylo whack at his injured side with his fist to show how “hard” and “tough” he was? That was absolutely adorable. And if that wasn’t enough already, he does it a second time, I almost peed my pants laughing. And how about Rey and Ren having angry staring contests with SFX showing how they were “force mind-battling”? How lame can it get? Keep reading.

And why is Kylo originally named Ben? Han and Leia both have little connection to Obi-Wan(Leia has a small connection but never really knew him that well) Luke was the character with a strong bond with Kenobi(its why in the books Luke names his kid Ben…). Even when Obi-Wan and Co. go into the deathstar in ANH, it’s Luke that saves Leia, not Obi-Wan… Did you guys even watch the old films? Oh wait, of course you did, you copied them plot point for plot point, that’s right. I guess you just didn’t listen to them or pay attention as you lifted the visuals and general concepts. If anything Kylo should have been named Luke since Han has a strong connection/friendship with him(remember they save each other’s lives in the old films{“That’s two you owe me junior”} and {“Now I owe you one”}). I wouldn’t have named Kylo Luke, but it makes more sense than naming him Ben!

Ren is a cheap, knock off of Jacen Solo from Star Wars the expanded universe books as well as Darth Revan from knights of the old republic the video game. Apparently copying from the original trilogy wasn’t enough, one had to steal from old Star Wars expanded universe cannon books and video games too, which by the way have now been declared non-canon. How very “1st” Order. Copy and take credit, do it lazily and with poor execution at best.

One last thing on Kylo and then I promise I’m done with this part. He gets stabbed in the shoulder by Finn, right? Kylo finally gets the better of him and instead of chopping him in half like anyone in a fight to the death would do the second they got the opportunity(Obi-Wan in Phantom Menace anyone?), he grazes Finn’s back to leave him alive and then doesn’t take the one second it takes to lop his head off. Where are the stakes? And we are supposed to think this Kylo fellow is a believable/competent character??

My reaction when I read online how a) Kylo Ren is an engaging/original/intimidating character and b) This $tar Wars movie is better than any of the old Star War films:

 Poe Dameron: Oscar is super talented and does a great job, props to him. His character is incredibly forced in the script, like everyone else’s, and he has to say some incredibly painful exposition to Finn on Yavin 4-er, sorry, D’Qar. He disappears  for over an hour before randomly reappearing but nobody seemed to mind. His friendship with Finn is also incredibly forced, just like Finn and Rey’s absurdly forced romance. “You got a cute boyfriend?” -Finn-

No! She doesn’t! She’s been starving to death her whole life on a desert planet barely getting by!

*head reforms and then explodes again*

I’d like to note that the term “boyfriend” was never used in the previous six Star Wars films, now it has been. I wonder why. It couldn’t have anything to do with Disney pandering for new demographics for more money could it?

 R2: R2 got depressed so he turned off for thirty years? Seriously?? Cool. Real cool. No really, that’s super duper cool yo, a droid with depression. Sweet.

 Threepio: Exchanged his silver leg for a red arm. I bet his next big character development in the eighth movie will be he gets a purple heart after sacrificing himself in some way for the team. This movie loves it some “subtle” writing and “clever” metaphors. Remember the rage-y and chaotic Kylo saber reflecting his inner conflict? Or the sun being blotted out right as Kylo is about to kill Han??


  1. Why does Luke go into hiding yet leaves a map charting where he is? He couldn’t just casually tell Leia or Han or R2 in confidence and say “Hey if things get crazy/desperate, these are my coordinates?” An idiotic jawa could come up with a better game-plan than the one portrayed in this film. Also apparently Leia and Luke both forgot they have the ability to communicate with each other through the force, but we’ll ignore that Starkiller-base sized plot hole for now.
  2. BB just happens to conveniently get caught in a net right next to the fallen AT-AT that Rey just happened to be chilling in the shade of, and the scavenger randomly gives the droid up for no reason. Ok….super convenient….but sure….
  3. Finn, despite being abducted and brainwashed from an early age and trained to be a ruthless, apathetic killing machine for the “First” Order(if the Empire was first, which it most definitely was, wouldn’t these new guys be The 2nd Order?) *In Alec Guinness’s Obi-wan voice* “One plus one is two, JJ..”    Anyway Finn decides that he doesn’t want to commit murder so he immediately decides to defect(a suicidal decision for a brainwashed stormtrooper) and then…wait for it…. starts murdering his ex-comrades without a second’s hesitation(you know, like how he hesitated to shoot those villagers five seconds ago) *Mickey Mouse Voice* “Oh boy!”
  4. Finn crashes conveniently close to Rey’s scavenger village and meets up with BB and Rey. Because Rey speaks droid and BB recognized Poe’s jacket on Finn.
  5. Whilst running from the 2nd Order, Finn and Rey just happen to stumble upon The Falcon.
  6. Even better, despite being a scavenger who digs in dirt  her entire life, Rey is magically an incredible pilot of a ship she has zero familiarity with. Phew, thank goodness! She even knows the ins and outs of The Falcon better than Han and Chewie.
  7. And speaking of the dynamic duo, luckily they were just randomly chillin’ in orbit around “Tatooine 2.0” to meet up with our heroes(sorry, you can’t just film Tatooine and call it Jakku).
  8. Rey magically learns how to use jedi mind tricks, mind probes, pilot The Falcon, fly ships in general, and wield a lightsaber(and even pull it out of the snow with the force) all despite zero training in combat or the force or flight training.
  9. Then they end up at a poor man’s A New Hope cantina, and thank the maker Rey happens to stumble upon Luke’s trusty old lightsaber that just happened to be in the basement waiting for her to find it. Hey, it could happen.
  10. Poe randomly disappears from the film for about an hour straight with no explanation of what happened until he randomly shows up again in an X-Wing kicking tons of ass. Why? How? Because he’s “One helluv a pilot!!!”
  11. Kylo Ren just happens to enjoy memorizing every serial number of every stormtrooper in the 2nd Order on his downtime so he knows exactly who helped get that droid off of “tatooine 2.0” and even recites Finn’s serial number.
  12. Also, conveniently, there are spies for the 2nd Order in every nook and cranny of the galaxy, apparently(the “tatooine 2.0” salvage yard and the rehashed ANH cantina are two moments that instantly come to mind).
  13. R2 magically turns on at the end of the film to help us find Luke. Yay! Don’t worry about how or why.

I’m starting to vomit up my childhood a little bit so I’m gonna stop. The Force Awaken’s reaction to anyone who dares question its handling of the rules and boundaries that make up the Star Wars Universe:

 SHAMELESS PLAGIARISM AND REHASHING OF THE ORIGINAL PLOT: How many times did this film rip off the Star Wars films before it? Let me count the ways… *begins lovingly plucking scene petals from the original Star Wars trilogy…*

  1. A droid has secret information critical to the rebell- sorry, the resistance and is dropped on a desert planet(“tatooine” 2.0) and the 2nd Order is searching for it.
  2. There is a third death star. A big complaint against Return of the Jedi is a rehashing of the deathstar plot from A New Hope, but I guess third times a charm Disney? Complete with massive bottomless pits and catwalks with no hand railings and massive design flaws that allow you to blow it up with ease just like in the good old days. It’s good to know the 2nd Order’s architects have learned from the past thirty year’s glaring mistakes in death star construction. Also, thanks to this script? 3/7 Star Wars films now end with a deathstar explosion.
  3. Our protagonists escape on the identical ship The Falcon from ANH and shoot down tie fighters a la Luke and Han .
  4. Han once again must lower the shields to a deathstar to allow it to be blow-up-able a la Return of the Jedi.
  5. There is a death star trench run a la ANH or ROTJ, take your pick.
  6. There is a father/son moment on a catwalk a la ESB. Except this time it carries zero emotional weight and is incredibly easy to see coming, even for a five year old.
  7. Luke runs away like a total sissy to isolate himself hermit style a la Yoda after massively failing and refusing to take accountability for those failures and leaves all his loved one’s to suffer the consequences. In response to one’s retort that Luke was off finding the first jedi temple I simply ask this: Why then, is he not in communication with his friends. And even if he had his reasons for going it Solo style, why has he mysteriously totally forgotten he can communicate with Leia through the force(Luke also does this with Vader. And even Kenobi’s ghost!)?  Disney: “Because they were too far away from each other distance wise!”  …so the all mighty force gets limited after a few measly miles of distance between users? Did the Force get a limited data plan with limited coverage since ROTJ?
  8. The holographic board game on The Falcon gets turned on again a la ANH, but this time for no reason(look, that was in an old Star Wars movie guys, Star Wars!).
  9. Threepio gets a new colored limb. It’s red this time(so Disney can sell a new threepio figure with a red arm).
  10. There’s a cantina scene that includes Han Solo that’s a blatant rip off from the cantina scene in ANH.
  11. Admiral Ackbar showing a 3-D rendering of a death star base and briefing the resistance on how to destroy it a la ROTJ.
  12. A protagonist stuck living out her days on a desert planet(“tatooine” 2.0) knowing and wishing her life was meant for something more.
  13. A main protagonist and a villain removing his helmet so he can see the face of his loved one a la ROTJ? “For once, let me look on you…with my own eyes…” -Vader.  “So I can see the face of my son!”-Han- The Profits Awaken. See, they reversed the roles this time so it’s totally different guys.
  14. An older father type figure dying on a death star type thing(Obi-Wan, ANH) in front of the other protagonists to further the story.
  15. A hero character talking about how there is still good in a fallen, previously good character. Luke, ROTJ: “There’s still good in him, I know it.” In this movie: Leia: “There’s still light in him, I know it”.
  16. A Jek Porkins 2.0 character complete with beard and Mcdonald’s takeout and useless dialogue zipping around in an X-wing over a deathstar? Check.

Here’s a dramatized reenactment of what the movie did to my inner child/fan during my viewing of the film. To be clear, the talented Carrie Fisher plays $tar Wars The Force Awakens:

You can really see the fear in my childhood’s eyes, it really didn’t want to go into the light. But the film has a Vader-like grip, and it’s determined if nothing else.


If only, TK-421.

The artist who made this comic is Crowden Satz, by the way. I found him on Facebook. Feel free to look him up. Or don’t.


But since I’m using his art, I thought I should give him a shout out. I’ll leave a link to your FB page at the very bottom of this article so anyone who wants to find more of your funny comics can go check them out, Satz. Deal? Deal. 🙂

PLOT: Why, after the Empire is defeated in epic fashion at the end of ROTJ, is “the Empire” still at peak powers? And why is “the Rebellion” as crappy and on the ropes as ever? Last I checked the rebels overthrew the Emperor. And if one’s response is “just wait and see”? No! I won’t wait and see. Explain it in this movie, it’s the film I paid $23 to be admitted into. Teaser, cliff hanger shenanigans don’t interest me in the slightest.

Speaking of cliff hangers, I really loved the ending to this movie where Luke(who apparently has been sitting on his island planet for years, taking huge bong rips of dagobah greenery while his loved ones suffer dearly{even though he can communicate with Leia via the force??}) stares slack jawed at Rey for over thirty seconds with no words spoken. And yes, I counted, over thirty seconds of just blank staring at each other. That’s actually an ending to a “Star Wars” movie now, and it’s the worst by leaps and bounds.

Wait and see in the next movie? No. You can’t not explain the last thirty years of the story and then not explain why any of the things are happening in the present day setting too. That’s called bad writing. You can’t wait till the 2nd and 3rd movie to start explaining why the heck things are the way they are and why things were possible in the films before them(Rey magically being a god at everything, justification for characters with no screen time and dialogue, justification for characters being CGI).

The film literally shows a visual, side by side 3-D comparison of the Death Star and Starkiller-Base. Amazing! If some fans didn’t draw the parallel’s between the previous movies plots and this one, the film really spells it out for the audience at this part. Why one would want to make that obvious and telegraph that kind of unoriginality is completely beyond me, but that’s a whole other story for another time. You know, like how Luke’s lightsaber ends up in some CGI, orange-goggled yoda wannabe’s basement. That question literally comes up in the movie and the character, Maz, literally says, and I quote(as closely as I can remember the exact words) “A great question….for another time!” Brilliant.

The script/plot is as clumsy as it is stupid.

The falcon takes off at light-speed  in a hangar, and if that wasn’t enough, it also lands at light-speed to MAGICALLY zip through the bigger, better death star’s shields too. Well isn’t that convenient and entirely unbelievable. I’m all about suspending my disbelief, it’s a movie, I know. But come on people. Try a little bit to make this seem semi-plausible. It takes me out of the movie when it gets so absurd/cartoonish/self referencing.

There was zero down time for our heroes’ to catch their breaths. There was next to no character development. It was one action set piece and onto the next without a moment to soak in what had just happened the moment before. It’s no surprise we felt no emotional connection to anyone in the film(I didn’t anyway). We went from one action sequence to the next and the next and the next. No real story, no real character arcs, no growth…you get the picture. Thirty years of planning, all the money and film/writing/acting/effects/editing resources in the world and you make this?? The film relentlessly abused coincidences to move the plot forward over and over and “had to go backwards to go forwards”, aka attempt absolutely nothing new. It was a massive failing to understand what made the original movies so incredible.

STAR WARS FANS: I’m sure there are some Star Wars fans out there ready to toss my a$$ to a wampa right about now. You guys might think I’m just some hater. That’s fine, I respect your opinions and your rights to them. Everyone is allowed to think whatever they wish, of course. But remember this before you start telling me what a TR-8R I am: The fatcats that own the rights to Star Wars think you are nothing more than a big stack of cash. How do I know this? Because that’s all they think I am too. If they didn’t assume we will pay to see their movies no matter what, they’d have needed to put a slightly better movie/story up on that big, silver screen. The film provided zero context to what was going on at any point. They see us being less like thinking human beings, and more like mindless baby birds excitedly awaiting whatever regurgitated filth might fall our way(and for the record this script is the regurgitated version of the original Star Wars from 1977). They assume that no matter what, we will all be good little ewoks and yub-yub our way back to the theatre for the next one, regardless of how soulless or cheapened the product. They’ve already doubled down on it! They gave us a recycled script from a trash compactor wrapped in beautiful special effects and entertaining actors and some fans can’t wait to gobble it up and praise it like it’s the second coming of Citizen Kane! That’s got to be the single greatest jedi mind trick off all time…

Chewie, believe me dawg, I feel you brother.

Thankfully, like the hutts and toydarians, I’m immune to such bull$h$t. Everything presented in this movie seems like it was determined by a focus group. Because it was all created in a focus group. Open your eyes cinema fans, they thinks we’re suckers. Don’t let them be right. Or keep on obliviously guzzling down Mickey’s popcorn flavored $tar Wars kool-aid, it’s your choice of course. But Star Wars fans, before you go and kowtow at Bob Iger’s feet and press your lips to his ring, consider that first, I beg you.

At least Lucas had the beldon balls to do something different, unique and his own! Were the prequels childish? Yes. Were they wooden? You bet. Were they at least not a blatant photocopying of George’s original films? Yup. Can The Force Awakens say the same about its “new” canon story? Nope. This is supposed to be the sequel to Return of the Jedi?


“They wanted to do a retro movie,” Lucas said. “I don’t like that. Every movie I work very hard to make them completely different, with different planets, with different spaceships, make it new.” -George Lucas-

He was made to retract this statement after he made it by the way. I guess some people think free thought can be controlled?


I keep telling J.J. Abrams this is a four billion dollar movie. We need to treat this very special. It’s an unbelievable privilege and unbelievable responsibility to take a jewel and treat it in a way that is respectful of its past but brings it into the future.

―Bob Iger, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company-



“I keep telling JJ, thi$ $h$t cost me $4,000,000,000 motherf$$k$r. You better make me a lot of f$$king money man, I’m not kidding. I’ll cut your c$$k off with $kywalker’s la$er-$word and kick your a$$ down a $arlaac pit if I don’t $ee $ome returns on my investment A$AP. It’s an unbelievable opportunity to make a $h$tload of money and a great re$ponsibility to take a jewel and treat it in a way that marginalize$ the old lore and character$ a$ much a$ po$$ible in a$ disre$pesctful and blatant a way a$ po$$ible and create infinitely more opportunitie$ to make even more money later too”

By the way as a side note, everyone? The owners of Star Wars disgracefully shoved Quentin’s Hateful Eight out of the Cinerama Dome in LA because of its insatiable greed to play during the entire holiday season and threatened to pull Star Wars from all Cinerama theaters if they didn’t comply(Quentin Tarantino had an agreement with the dome). Those same owners shut down LucasArts and fired some 150 workers after acquiring the rights to Star Wars from George. Merry F$$$ing Christmas.

To all the loving fans of movies and storytelling or common decency in general right about now?

 PC PC PC: This movie had a massive social justice/PC agenda. If you saw the film, you know what I’m talking about.

Why wasn’t Billy Dee Williams(Lando) offered a role? I noticed of the four main actors from the old trilogy, the three white actors were invited back and not the black one. The three caucasian cast members return like jedi but Lando can’t come back? I guess, just like in the good old days, the Star Wars universe is only big enough for one black man at a time. An article on Bangshowbiz back on March 2nd, 2015, seems to have addressed this very topic.

The 77-year-old actor, who starred as Lando Calrissian in the iconic film franchise, was overlooked for the eagerly-awaited ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’, but he is set to appear in the second of the three films.

An insider told The Sun newspaper: “It will be a fun cameo. Billy’s definitely up for it.”

Feel free to check Billy Dee William’s IMDB page, you’ll notice that he isn’t signed on for any future Star Wars movies as of yet. And that article came out in March of 2015. And for the record, George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, referred to the people at Disney as white slavers less than a week ago. Let that sink in for a moment.

 STAR WARS IS IN GOOD HANDS, SEE??: Classic professionals from the original trilogy were hired to make us think this would be a great movie and lull fans into a false sense of safety.  Harrison, Mark, Carrie and Peter were brought back for acting, Kasdan for writing, John Williams for music.

Guess what?

 Yea, no sh$t.

And don’t even get me started on that ten minute waste of precious story/plot/script time that was the CGI sequence with Han and the tentacle monsters and the space gangsters from Ireland!

*head is too depressed to reform and remains exploded*

 BIGGER IS BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

If you put the old concepts on steroids people will love it! Planet sized deathstars! Nazi stormtroopers are somehow more hardcore and therefore better than regular ones! They even come complete with red banners and sieg heils, please hit us over the head with it more, I don’t think we get it yet. Bigger holo-projections of sith lords because it’s more badass when it’s bigger! More lightsabers on my lightsaber!! I felt like they were trying to one-up Darth Maul’s awesome double-bladed lightsaber reveal in The Phantom Menace(a great, practical moment in an awful film) just ‘cuz. I can just hear the Exec at whatever meeting decided Kylo’s lightsaber look now: “The last Star Wars film to kick off a new trilogy had two blades on their lightsaber! Our $tar Wars movie needs three!” What’s frightening is I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if that was the exact way that decision got made. All in line with the bigger is somehow better formula Hollywood loves. Like Jurassic World for instance: “This dinosaur is a super dinosaur because he’s genetically enhanced to be even bigger and more dinosaur-y!” If one wanted to make a movie about Hitler and some nazis one should have set it in 1930’s Germany instead of in a galaxy far, far away. I never thought I’d see Harrison Ford fighting the third reich in a movie not titled Indiana Jones, but holey-tamoley, here we are. For the record I know you got the rights to Indiana Jones when you bought Lucas out for $4,000,000,000. I’ll be passing thanks.

You have failed me for the last time, HOLLYWOOD.

My reaction when I first heard that the director of Jurassic World was actually hired to “helm” the third film in this $tar Wars franchise we all just watched the first film in:

 ROTTENTOMATOES/IMDB SCORES: Go check the professional, critic reviews on rottentomatoes or IMDB. Now go check Metacritic user reviews sorted by most helpful to all users. For instance, peter657 scored this film a 2/10 and said “As much as I wanted to like this movie I just couldn’t. I am astounded by the number of people who tell me it is an amazing Star Wars movie…” and 88 out of 143 users found his review to be highly helpful. See a difference? Many people not paid to review films all agreed the movie was mediocre to awful. All the critics paid to review movies honestly and without bias said it was freakin’ incredible. Even the blind-as-a-bat Yoda from the prequels can catch on to what’s goin’ down, folks.

Yoda: “Mmmm, super f$$ked up this $h$t is, yes!”

This is the way “professional film critics” are headed.

To the adults(I get it kids, when I was in eighth grade I thought the Phantom Menace was the greatest thing ever) who gave this movie 95% approval ratings or higher on rotten tomatoes/IMDB? I politely and humbly encourage you to simply consider what your standards are and think about if you’re satisfied with where they’re at. I implore and beg you to at least think about demanding more for your money(and I’m not talking about flashy effects). After all, theatres are more than happy to shake us down and collect our money like Grievous collects lightsabers. Just because The Force Awakens wasn’t the obvious act of treason that Jar Jar Binks was, we’ll praise and accept it as a fantastic movie?

And before you dismiss me as some “raging, inconsolable fan”? Know that what businesses are doing is far worse and far more dangerous and disturbing than the mere bread buttering of some critics and the extortion of a beloved sci-fi franchise.

Choice. Ch$ice. Ch$$$$. $$$$$.

I’ll probably get a lot of flack for writing this review because it is of the opinion that the movie isn’t great. Some Star Wars fans may call me a “TR-8R!” I’ll also probably be labeled as some whiny, “knows nothing about films” jerk chugging haterade in my mommy’s basement, right Internet?

I’d now like to congratulate Michael Hiltzik, an actual professional film critic and pulitzer prize winning writer, who had the bantha balls to stand up and say “This movie was not good.” He’s a writer for The LA TIMES and his review was titled “Admit it: Star Wars: The Force Awakens stinks — and here’s why”. So just know there is a small handful of film critics out there that are still honest, who share my not-so-optimistic appraisal of the situation. Before you fellow Star Wars fans string me up, consider that first. Go look up his review if you like, or don’t. Regardless I commend Michael for standing up for the truth when so many “critics” stood down, their pockets filled to the brim with donald-duck-dollar bills. The Rat won’t get loving praise on his $tar Wars film from me like he has from some of you-

Damn straight, General Solo. We’ll never join the masses in hailing this “masterpiece”.

I will let The Internet call me a hater if it wants to, you can tell me how off base I am if you like, I know my opinion on The Force Awakens probably isn’t a popular one. My loyalty is to Star Wars. To quality filmmaking and great storytelling.

Every word was written here with 100% honesty and from the heart. If only one cinema fan in the world reads this, it will have been worth my writing it. Someone needs to say something, and judging by Metacritic user reviews I’m one of many. As much as it crushes my soul to say it, this movie wasn’t good despite looking fantastic from a Sci-Fi eye candy perspective.

 Ships: Only X-wings and Tie-Fighters were in the film? Even the first Star Wars movie ever made, the movie you copied, had Y-wings. Somehow we got less variety in ships forty years later…

Whatever happened to B-Wings, Y-Wings, A-Wings, all the large cruiser ships, Tie-bombers, Tie-Intercetpors, etc? You know, all those ships that have existed for over thirty some years in the movie’s reality? We got a vanilla resistance X-Wing and a vanilla 2nd Order Tie-fighter.  Good vs bad. Oversimplification.

So the the resistance just sends in a baker’s dozen fighters(seriously like thirteen flimsy X-wings, no exaggeration here) against a deathstar ten times the size of the old one and bing-bang-boom, we did it everyone! I guess the 2nd Order left all their freighters and star cruisers somewhere else, leaving the entire planet deathstar to be defended solely by a few Tie Fighters? Also you know what would have helped damage that weak point on Starkiller-Base that needed more firepower the X-Wings lacked that Poe Dameron complained about? Y-Wings anyone?? But don’t worry, the thirteen X-wings did the trick anyway all on their own. Hurray!

And here’s a little note, different fighter code names denote different squadrons. I’ll give you examples. Red Leader stands for X-wing Division. Gold Leader stands for the Y-Wing division. You just randomly had Black Leaders and Red Leaders and Blue 7’s, and they were all in X-Wings. You really should pay attention to the previous films and the lore behind them, even a little bit.

If this glaring mistake doesn’t show Star Wars fans how little care was and is still given to the material being extorted, nothing will. So lazy. And yet I bet The Force Awakens will sell tons of A-Wing toys, Y-Wing toys, etc. It will still profit off the ships it didn’t show and it didn’t even have to spend money to include them on screen.

PROS:  1) Some of the sets looked really great like the old Star Wars films. 2) The acting 3) It was nice to see The Falcon fly again 4) Some of the shots from a distance looked just like the original concept art from the old trilogy, this was really wonderful. But pretty pictures alone do not a pretty motion-picture make. 5) BB 6) The new stormtrooper designs are really slick and look incredible. From a production standpoint they nailed that. 7) Luke’s lightsaber looked like it’s old self 8) The stormtrooper equipped with a shock stick that fights Finn. I’ve never seen an imperial grunt notice a protagonist with a lightsaber and think “Let’s do this sh$t b$tch!” This guy was fearless and awesome. TR-8R was indeed a badda$$ *salute* 9) Kylo Ren’s lightsaber’s SFX

CONS: 1) Shame on this film for not having a better choreographed and exciting lightsaber fight. To be entirely fair the setting in the snowy forest was amazing and a great stage for some epic battles…that never took place. How does a lightsaber fight from a 1999 Star Wars film make this movie’s saber duel look lame?(Ray Park’s skills alone lifts The Phantom Menace duel above this film’s) And the plot, and it making any amount of sense and what not? The part in the movie where one placed the force theme and Kylo screams “You need a teacher!”? And then Rey overpowers him? This would have been the place to show a quick flashback(even for a second or two. Something. Anything!) explaining how Rey has abilities to magically be an incredible jedi out of seemingly nowhere(assuming she actually does! And if she doesn’t? F$$k). That was one’s opportunity to retain some credibility from a story perspective and it was missed badly. Now the audience just thinks “Rey won….because.” What’s horrifying is this explanation seems to be more than enough for some people. The lightsaber fight in the film and the action/reasoning behind it will leave you being incredibly disappointed.

You said it realistic, believable, and non-CGI Master Yoda. Right again, you are! Yes!!

My reaction after the film mercifully and finally ended:

Why did I feel that way(aside from it being a blatant remake of A New Hope dishonestly advertised as the continuation of Return of the Jedi)? Because it’s lightsaber-crystal clear that this movie was not made to be art, or even something remotely original. If it had been, The Force Awakens undoubtedly would have been a genuine Star Wars movie, not this crude matter. The ambition was never to make a great film or honor the great stories and characters and writing of Star Wars with a fantastic cinematic experience and a script worthy of its name. This was simply an exercise in branding and marketing from the very get go. Priority number 1, 2, AND 3 of this movie was to make the most $$$$$ possible, and appeal to as many wallets and purses as possible, at all costs. This was made explicitly clear to whoever got to “helm” this project.

Even Adolf freakin’ Hitler, enemy to the free world and lover of painting, was disturbed by the artistic atrocity committed( be fair, The Force Awakens loves it some nazi characters).

Please remember that those were Adolf’s words, not mine.

It’s honestly soul crushing. It’s a crime against soulful filmmaking, and for what? $$$$$? A base, material thing? It’s sickening. I’ve seen $tar Wars marketed on peanut butter jars at Ralphs, on ESPN(that’s f$$ked up), and even on highway signs(way more f$$ked up)! You know, the one’s that usually alert people about drunk driving and amber alerts?? Yea, those signs. The Force Awakens used those traffic signs to promote itself. Which means it paid whoever controls them(that’s a chilling thought). So you can hijack freeway signs to distract drivers into thinking about buying Star Wars tickets but can’t even be bothered to write a new script with new planets or a new plot?


The film was going to make an ungodly amount of $$$$$ no matter what, because it was Star Wars(duh). So they cut as many corners as they could to cut as much cost as they could(even though they were about to make “infinity” $$$$$). Because that’s what businesses do regardless of the due respect required, even for something as sacred as Star Wars.

*exploded head tears up and sniffles*

It’s why George Lucas apologized after he very recently ripped the movie”. $$$$$ sure does talk. And it sounds like George regrets selling it too. Don’t take my word for it though, here’s a quote from Lucas as of about a week ago.

“I sold [Star Wars] to the white slavers that take these things, and…” before stopping himself from finishing the sentence.

“…and extort them as much as they possibly can while having ZERO INTEGRITY all the while!!!!”

-What George was probably going to say next before The Rodent reminded him of the 4,000,000,000 reasons he had to not to make such statements-


ACTING: Wonderful! Great job acting all around by every cast member, and I say that with absolute sincerity. From Harrison to Carrie to Mark and Daisy and John and Oscar and Adam and the rest of the cast, thank you!

SCORE: John you’re always just the very best! Thank you for an incredible effort! Your music is and always will be the stuff of legend in movie making. That being said this wasn’t the best score of the seven films out there. If you don’t believe me, go check the reviews of the soundtrack on amazon compared to any of the other six films, see for yourself.

CASTING: Wonderful casting. Except for the poorly miscast Kylo Ren and General Hux. Both actors are stellar. They were miscast. I hope they take no offense to me saying that, I mean none and it implies none, and it is just my opinion.

EDITING: Fantastic! Expertly crafted editing, honestly top notch work. You’re both a true credit to your team ladies, thank you Mary and Maryann! The best editing in the world is the kind when you didn’t notice there was editing going on in the first place. That’s the mark of incredible skills, amazing work here.

CINEMATOGRAPHY:  Star Wars has always been classically shot as epic, still and wide. Not crooked angles, extreme close-ups,  shake cams, and lens flares. That’s just Star Wars, there isn’t room for debate here. All six previous films are shot that way. One can film a Star Wars movie differently if one wants to, of course. But if one wanted to recreate the old feel of the old Star Wars movies like one said he did, it’s probably a good idea to shoot them in a similar fashion stylistically speaking. This didn’t feel like Star Wars. I’m not hating on the skills behind the cinematography, but this was Star Wars! Save the flashy stuff for a different production and be faithful to the look and feel of the films that made Star Wars what it is today.

EFFECTS: The computer graphics in this movie are the very best in the industry. I won’t argue that, ok? I don’t love CGI “avengers action”, and this movie had lots of it. To me it’s clearly fake sometimes and takes me out of the movie, the human eye can still easily tell if something was shot on camera or added in later. But the quality of those effects were high, obviously. And when practical effects were used they looked incredible. Top notch stuff.

WRITING:  The script is a mess and lacks character growth/arcs entirely and doesn’t have a sensible plot or useful dialogue. On top of that, this story is a blatant rehashing of ANH. For me this component of the film was incredibly weak and crippled the movie badly. I’m not here to judge anyone, I’d like to make that clear, and there are three writers on the credits, making it more confusing. I will point out though, because it is only fair, that one of the writers also directed the movie. And if you look up Michael Arndt’s resume on IMDB you’ll quickly find he is solely responsible for some brilliant scripts. Oh, and he wanted to do an original plot for this film, which is why he was removed from it midway(his name stayed on the credits, but Disney parted ways and thanked him for his services). Here’s more from Gizmodo:

“When Michael Arndt was replaced as the writer of Star Wars: Episode VII last fall, we were told it had to do with timing concerns.  But according to a new report in the Hollywood Reporter, the real reason was a disagreement over who the film should be about: Luke, Leia and Han, or the next generation.

The Hollywood Reporter’s Heat Vision blog quotes unnamed sources as saying that Toy Story 3 writer Arndt(and original Star Wars creator George Lucas) wanted Episode VII to be about the children of Luke, Leia, and Han Solo, but director J.J. Abrams disagreed:

Ardnt is said to have focused on the offspring of Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia with the original trilogy heroes taking on supporting roles. Abrams however, wanted Episode VII to focus on the classic trio of characters, so audiences could have one more chance to enjoy them before a fitting send-off.” -Gizmodo-

We almost got a new plot instead of A New Hope The Remake. Shame.

DIRECTING: This is not how I would have directed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, but I have zero experience as a film director.


1) I will never pay hard earned money to see a $tar Wars movie in theaters again.

Renting future Star Wars films for $1 on red box a year after their releases with a tub of rocky road and a bottle of tequila both close at hand is the only way for me now.

2) I will never rely on professional film critic’s reviews again. They are paid off and their integrity is gone, just like the integrity of the journalists of the world today. There are still honest ones out there, but there’s way too many who aren’t and I for one am done taking my chances. I’d rather read reviews from people that don’t have money as their new way of motivating them, so user reviews for me from now on.

3) This is not Star Wars canon(to me anyway). The now “Star Wars Legends” is still and always will be true Star Wars. Lucas’s quote is proof of why this is true. How is a rehashing of what already happened even a sequel, let alone canon? It’s laughable. Let me see if I can get this straight. You’re telling me that characters like Ben Skywalker, Jacen Solo and Mara Jade aren’t legit anymore, but General Fux, Kylo-Crybaby-Ren, and Jar Jar Binks are?

That’s a good one! It’s our word against yours, I’ll keep the cool stories and characters as canon and let the Fux and Phasmas be fake, thank you very much.


There was no reason this couldn’t have been the very best Star Wars film to date. It should have been. I believe that sincerely. The script and feel of this movie failed the other components of the film. The plot and dialogue and overall vibe sunk what would have otherwise been an amazing movie. It’s very obvious when you narrow it down like this why the movie failed and leaves you feeling empty afterwards.

I find this film’s lack of  integrity… disturbing.

Without the proper attention to character development, story arcs, respect for the feel of the world being filmed, and an original, well written script with constructive dialogue, one ends up with nothing.

Without those 100% necessary components of a film listed above, it doesn’t matter how wonderful the other vital pieces of a movie may have been. You can put lipstick on a gamorrean if you really want to…

So nice job Mick, my boy BB and I both give you the “You f$$$$d up Star Wars” thumbs up. You played it wildly safe, so much so it walked the line of plagiarism and pandered to the lowest common denominator to the point where it tied the shoelaces of your own film, which was the absolute last thing fans of Star Wars needed coming off of the prequels. You relied on nostalgia over the creative spirit because that was the safer bet in making the most money, just like Ghostbusters 2016, Jurassic World, and many others awful remakes/sequels have. Nice job.

Mickey’s reaction to anyone who has the audacity to question his handling of $tar Wars: Episode VII: The Profits Awaken:

What follows is simply my opinion. I can only speak for myself.

Now this film’s failure is complete. Storytelling and filmmaking are sacred to me, none more so than that of Star Wars. What has been done to it is nothing short of a f$$$ing travesty. I feel disgusted. It is revolting to me that the mark of a job well done these days is not based not on making great films, but on making great $$$$$. In that sense this is the most wildly successful and incredible movie ever made, from an extremely specific point of view. By that same logic movies such as Furious 7, Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Iron Man 3 are all works of art too and their directors are on par with the Spielbergs and Cuarons.

This was always far more the callous tapping of a cash-cow than the creation of art through great writing and innovative filmmaking, and as a True Blue-milk fan of Star Wars, I’m incredibly disappointed. You came back from the grocery store with green-milk, Mickey, and that wasn’t the flavor I asked for. Green-milk tastes like $h$t, it’s like non-fat but even f$$king worse.


I bet you laughed all the way to the bank though, Mr. Mouse. So go ahead-

I feel robbed, and given that I spent $23 and got nothing for it, a remake of A New Hope is nothing after all, especially when one considers the fact I already went to the movie theaters and watched the oh-so-special editions of ANH and ESB, I’m allowed to feel upset. And I don’t even feel robbed as a Star Wars fan. As someone who enjoys storytelling, filmmaking, and writing, I’m incredibly disappointed. I felt like the film had no stakes, not one measly morsel. I’m insulted by the marketing driven, shallowly written characters like Rey, Finn, Captain Phasma’s character’s phantom of a character, and all the others too. I’m not sad as some “emo-kylo-superfan”. I’m sad as a consumer. The characters(not the actors) clunked through the script in the same way a child plays with his f$$$ing action figures. A tiny, dark-side part of me wishes Chewbacca had ripped all the writers’ arms out of their sockets so they never could have written this abomination of a “Star Wars” movie. Wookies were known to do that once in a galaxy far far far away. This was a $200,000,000 fan-fiction film, except it’s worse because that would be an insult to all the fan-fiction writers out there that actually respect and pay attention to the history and story arcs of their respective world’s characters. Also their characters probably don’t dick around tossing cheesy jokes left and right half the time, thereby soaking up oh so precious script/story time and beheading the characters and plot as a result.

I’m left wondering what story Lucas had offered up that was rejected. It had to be better than this because I’m guessing it didn’t involve a third deathstar and Jek Tono Porkins’s doplleganger’s son as a character. Speaking of the one and only, here he is in a dramatized reenactment of Disney’s handling of Star Wars. The cheeseburger and soda play The Force Awakens:

Let’s watch that one more time in instant replay:

As a fan of Star Wars, my heart is broken, and while I of course won’t lose the will to live, I’m still hurt Episode VII sucked total tauntaun testes. At best it is a mediocre film with a plagiarized story, riddled with exposition and plot holes riding on the back of state of the art, high-end, post-production effects, phenomenal editing, and charismatic actors. At worst it is an absolute piece of dewback doo-doo. My loyalties are to Star Wars and quality storytelling, not marketing and branding cloaked in the carcass of a once great film franchise. So I’ll never join “the resistance”, thank you very much. I know an empire when I see one. Me? I’m a rebel. For life.

$tar Wars?

You’re more money-machine than movie now…

To all the fans of great filmmaking that made it this far(thank you so much for reading, I know this was a doozy)-

They can take our $$$$$, but they can’t take our spirit. Remember-

Hate is a strong word, but I think what The Palp-Dawg meant to say was “your passion”.

And hey London Symphony Orchestra, you didn’t think I’d forget you and Billy like $tar Wars did, did you? Never! I’m happy to see you made it into my review as well, you’re just in time, as always.

If you’re a fan of movies like me and feel similarly? Please share this review with another person, $h$t send it to two people. Someone. Anyone. A friend, an enemy, a loved one, a neighbor, a co-worker, your cat, dog or droid. Copy and paste the article in a Facebook status update or retweet it(links below). Post the link in a forum somewhere, text it, email it, smoke signal it, put it up on your grandma’s fridge. However you’d like to share it. And not a single bothan need die to bring us lovers of movies and storytelling this information. Remember, unlike professional film critics, I wasn’t paid a $ to write this and never will be. Sharing is caring and knowledge is power.

And if you don’t want to? That’s ok too, live and let live, baby! May the force be with us all.

Share the awareness, it’s time for a true awakening. And please, don’t do it for me. Don’t even do it for Star Wars.

DO IT FOR ART( Han shot first).

Vive la rébellion.                                      My twitter account.         As promised, Sir Satz.